Just a Blur

It's been awhile since I posted. At the moment I have a cold but overall I feel ok. In my educational life, I feel quite nervous about Pharmacology the most. In my personal life, I feel content. So that all evens out, I guess.

Independence

I really like Sasha. I like him even more than I expected. So far, nothing has happened except that we held hands that night we celebrated the last of exams. Alcohol and flirtation are a dangerous mix because now I really don't know what to do.

Mainly because Jessica had to give me that speech. She asked me if I missed Gavin and I made the mistake of saying sometimes. She went on of how I should be independent and not feel lonely. Ever since I had dated Adrian it's been one guy after another. Apparently, the 2-4 month break I had between boyfriends wasn't a long enough time for her. She said that she doesn't even know what Gavin looks like at all and I have been dating him for a year and a half. She said that I should wait for a more worthwhile guy. A guy that I can bring home and not be ashamed of. 

I didn't want to tell her about Sasha. This is why I don't bring them home to begin with. It is because of their judgement and opinions that makes me afraid to bring them home and introduce them to my family. On top of that, I'm even more afraid to date since Linda has been on my case about school more than ever. 

We haven't kissed yet mostly because I don't want to until it is official. I really need to talk to him about this issue of mine. I also want to tell him that I really want to take it slow and be able to get to know him better. 

Pressure

The past couple of days have been a real doozy. So many family members together all under one roof. It's pretty difficult to study, you know?

And what pisses me off is that Linda is such a bitch right now. I hate her. She puts sooo much emphasis on studying yet I have to attend to two services. I know it's for Grandpa but I hate how she says one thing and says another. Maybe if she had mention that they are doing a family photo that would be different but all she said was, "You should go to the Vietnamese service." 

"I don't get why you're working when you have exams!" - Well I don't even work that much and I booked enough time to study. IT'S NOT LIKE I PLANNED THAT GRANDPA WOULD DIE DURING MY EXAMS.

"If I found out you're working during exams next semester I'm calling your work and saying that you can't" - Well that's not your decision, is it? 

And she puts so much pressure on me studying. Got to Pharmacy. Go to Engineering. All my courses are so messed up that I probably can't specialize into anything for another 3 years. I was thinking of going to Chemistry or Biochem and then applying. It pissed  off me when she said, " You better get into Pharmacy and don't say that you couldn't get in because you didn't studied enough." Well I hope that you go to hell. You should have just left me alone to begin with instead of stressing me out. Why did you think I broke down four times during my midterms because of you ok ? 

Ah Geez

Today I attempted to study with Mina and Jen and it suceeded somewhat. Jen decided not to come to the review session with me for O Chem so I went on my merry way to it. There I ran into Cathy and Navpreet and then Sasha and then William.

I sat there for an hour and a half copying everything on the board and now I don't feel so good about the exam. Especially, retrosynthesis. 

Sasha offered me a ride home. I noticed that lately I've been getting a lot of rides. The only time I remember taking the train/bus is when I went to work from a review session and when I had those two exams. I slipped a lot on the ice because of my stupid UGGs and I even fell down the trail to Sasha's car. Emily Murphy Park looks like one of those stereotypical teen make-out sites. Sasha drove William off first and then took me to my house. Before I got out, 

I asked him, "Do you like me?" 

"What kind of question is that?"

"It's a question. It's not rhetorical."

"Well it is, I mean I have been spending a lot of time with you." 

I confessed that I like him too, ever since we we're studying for that lab final. How I felt bad that I was still with Gavin when I realized it. That what I was feeling was like an old high school crush. And since my relationship with Gavin was so long and the break-up was so recent I didn't want him to be a rebound boyfriend. During the whole time,  I was leaning away from him as much as possible because I was afraid that he'll kiss me or something. IT WAS SO DARN AWKWARD!!

And I left the car and chilled on my computer chair.

Grandpa

Today I had two exams: Philosophy and Physics. Lots of writing and lots of thinking.

Linda broke the news to me after she picked me up from school. She told me how she was the only one there when he passed away and described how his heart gave out. It happened at 10am. Everyone waited to tell me because of how I reacted last week when I woke up to the news that he was in the hospital. Plus, I was already stressing out for Physics. 

Linda tried to explain to me why she waited to tell. I understand but she broke it down anyways in case I got angry. I would have been more angry if she told me right when it happened. I was hoping to see him today at least alive and breathing. I choose not to see him because I don't think I can take it. In the end, I'm glad that waited. 

I'm pretty calm right now and I believe that I'll be ok for the next week or so. God be with me.

I Feel So Lost

Yesterday, I woke up to news that my Grandpa is in the hospital. I find it really upsetting since I haven't seen him since before I left for Montréal. He's so frail it was extremely hard not to cry. Today he's a bit better but he still weaker than what he was before. They have to keep a close eye on him because he might get another heart attack.

I have so much on mind right now I feel exhausted with it all. I want to get my exams done and chill for once. I talked to Sasha a bit on msn and he cheered me up a little bit. Apparently, he never heard of Marble Slab so I'm taking him there after the O Chem final. So yeah ... still sorting out stuff. Another boyfriend seems such a good idea right now but it might do more harm than good. 

je suis désolé mais je dois briser votre coeur

I did it. I broke his heart and now I'm waiting to see what happens next.