Trapped

I was explaining to Emily that I feel trapped in my relationship with Gavin. I want us to be in each others' lives for a long while however I feel that insecurity grow. I explained that I can't help it because I was raised to believe to have certain requirements of a relationship. I feel so doubtful about my future and even more with Gavin. I did put an expiration date on our relationship and I feel like this is something that I won't talk myself out of. I want Gavin to be dependable and move on with his life. 

In the meantime, there's really no "other" guy. I made new guy friends but I'm afraid of anything going on between if I'm ever interested in them. I think it's disrespectful if I was especially since I'm still in a relationship. Out of respect, I will try not to date for at least 6 months if we do break up. There's no easy way to let him down and I fear that he won't deal with it well. I feel to responsible with his life. I saved it but I don't want to be the one who ended it. This is another reason I feel trapped. 

Am I going crazy? I feel like shutting him out. I don't want him inside me. I just want a blanket that covers and protects me. 

Whenever I'm upset I ask him to call me. He will not because sometimes he's with friends and don't want to be rude to them. Fair enough. But all it does to me is remind the times when I needed Mike and he wouldn't talk to me ... I feel abandoned. I'm sure Adrian or Pitre have done this to me to some extent but Mike is the prominent one since it was through texts, much like Gavin. I hate how things repeat themselves. Gavin will not like that I just compared him to Mike. 

Trouble Maker (Drama Lover?)

I don't understand why Mike still is part of my life ... even if it is a distant practically intangible way. I want him out of my life and out of those close to me. 

Mike, I think you should just let it go. I know that you like to start up shit but don't drag me into it. Whatever happened between is nothing but faded memories. I have been rejecting them because I don't want to remember how stupid I was or how desperate I was to be with you. And for the record, it was never about money. I wanted to be with you because I genuinely liked you and I thought I could comfort you during the hard times. 

For all the things you have said and done, I don't think I can ever be friends with you. I don't hate you but I don't love you either. I'll remain civil because I'm not the one looking for trouble. 

You're Not Here

I feel distraught. I don't know what to feel or how to deal with it. The thing is I feel really alone or I feel that I'm going to lose Gavin. He no longer sees me at the University. He no longer picks me up from work to keep me company. He doesn't even take the bus with me home whenever I'm at his house. I know it's because he doesn't buy bus passes anymore since the only use he'll need it for is to see me, which is not much since I got back from Montréal. I even told him that I'll be seeing him less this semester so that I can concentrate on school. 

But I am so tired of having to come out of my way to see him. I know he's not the romantic type but he's sweet and caring. How hard it is for a girl to ask that she wants her boyfriend to do the same for her? I don't want to go to him but rather I want him to come to me. I don't know if I should be mad or desperately upset. I don't want to be alone. I feel like I'm there for him when I can but it's not the same the other way around. Even phone calls are troublesome for him. Practically every time I want him to call me his phone is dead and he rather not call. I feel so much less important when that happens like I don't matter all because a phone is dead. Why not charge the battery everyday like normal people ???? 

I feel so fragile and that I could break. I need some pretty strong glue here if I do fall apart ... 

I guess basically what I'm saying is that I don't feel that he's putting much effort into this relationship. I feel more like a burden than someone who is needed and cherished. I feel like I'm trying so hard and he just doesn't takes it especially when it's about life. Get moving! I don't want to wait forever for you but I'm willing to stick around to see if I can because a part of me wants to keep holding on. There is so much in my heart I want to pour out. I feel paranoid, numb, and maybe crazy. I don't feel like you're sensitive to my feelings and all their subtleties as you did before because I feel like I have so much more to hold in.

REPO MAN!!

I really want to watch Repo! The Genetic Opera. I have a thing for musicals and such but this one is much more incredible. The plot, the characters, the music are all totally awesome. I'm even excited to see Paris Hilton in it because she does an incredible job from what I see in the trailers. I also want to watch Twilight too but not on opening night. I'm afraid of the hordes of annoying fans. Of course I'll be critical of the movie but it's an interpretation of the movie. 

There are so many movies I want to watch. Here's a list:

- I'm Not There

- Funny Games

- 4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days

- Zack and Miri Make a Porno

So it's a blend of drama, thriller and comedy. Sweet. In the meantime, I have to study like mad because I need to prepare myself for my exams coming in December. It sucks cause now I can't do much social-wise since there is so much material to cover. Well, better to do it now. At least I got music to pull me through. I've been listening to the following lately:

- Tegan and Sara

- Repo! The Genetic Opera Soundtrack

- Coeur de pirate

Eye Appointment

I went to see the Optometrist and I think he's my favorite doctor. He's so funny and talkative. Plus, he reminds me of Danny especially his nose HAHA. The contact lenses are unbelievably soft. No more pain when I put them in or take them out. And, apparently, I do have astigmitism. Dang it.

Halloween

The beer was finished so headed over to Cameron's friend's house. Before we entered the house, both Cameron and Harrison intended to leave with a one-night stand. I was little miffed because they're being guys  who just want to get laid. I didn't say anything since I'm already in a relationship. Cameron and Harrison got drunk pretty fast. Harrison needs to work on his communication skills and talk less about himself. 

At some point, Harrison puked. Nadine ( Cam's sister), Brittany, Emily and Brian came over. Brittany is Harrison's ex-girlfriend so I felt that maybe her presence is a little uncomfortable. I didn't want to pry so I didn't ask. Cameron fell asleep but woke up to use the washroom. He sat back on the couch and I was watching him while being all comfy with Gavin. Then, it happened. Cameron began to throw up. It was really a quiet kind of vomiting because it just sort of flowed out of his mouth. I jumped for the paper towels and got him to the bathroom. I noticed a few tears but maybe it was from the gag reflex. Harrison is still asleep. A bunch of us helped cleaned up and we let Nadine know what happened. Both guys are currently sleeping in the basement as I type this. 

I was talking to Gavin about something that I had noticed. I feel like Cameron, Harrison, and David all held such great importance into getting laid. They're all not the most handsomest guys but they all have heart. I felt such great sympathy that they have a deluded sense of what they want which is to be close to someone or feel close enough. Gavin understood how they are because he wanted to be with someone too or maybe just to get laid. He has me now and he told me that he waited for me for so long because, as soon as he appreciated my companionship, he didn't want to force anything on me in fear of driving of me away. 

I told him that I was falling for him again. I want it to be forever. I asked if he's seriously looking for better career-jobs. He said, yeah. I love you, Gavin. The first time I said it I didn't want it to be the forever kind because I'm afraid that it'll be short-lived. Now, I do want it to be forever but I'm scared of what the future holds. We still have kinks to work out still. I don't want to delude myself and overlook our problems.