Independence

I really like Sasha. I like him even more than I expected. So far, nothing has happened except that we held hands that night we celebrated the last of exams. Alcohol and flirtation are a dangerous mix because now I really don't know what to do.

Mainly because Jessica had to give me that speech. She asked me if I missed Gavin and I made the mistake of saying sometimes. She went on of how I should be independent and not feel lonely. Ever since I had dated Adrian it's been one guy after another. Apparently, the 2-4 month break I had between boyfriends wasn't a long enough time for her. She said that she doesn't even know what Gavin looks like at all and I have been dating him for a year and a half. She said that I should wait for a more worthwhile guy. A guy that I can bring home and not be ashamed of. 

I didn't want to tell her about Sasha. This is why I don't bring them home to begin with. It is because of their judgement and opinions that makes me afraid to bring them home and introduce them to my family. On top of that, I'm even more afraid to date since Linda has been on my case about school more than ever. 

We haven't kissed yet mostly because I don't want to until it is official. I really need to talk to him about this issue of mine. I also want to tell him that I really want to take it slow and be able to get to know him better. 

Pressure

The past couple of days have been a real doozy. So many family members together all under one roof. It's pretty difficult to study, you know?

And what pisses me off is that Linda is such a bitch right now. I hate her. She puts sooo much emphasis on studying yet I have to attend to two services. I know it's for Grandpa but I hate how she says one thing and says another. Maybe if she had mention that they are doing a family photo that would be different but all she said was, "You should go to the Vietnamese service." 

"I don't get why you're working when you have exams!" - Well I don't even work that much and I booked enough time to study. IT'S NOT LIKE I PLANNED THAT GRANDPA WOULD DIE DURING MY EXAMS.

"If I found out you're working during exams next semester I'm calling your work and saying that you can't" - Well that's not your decision, is it? 

And she puts so much pressure on me studying. Got to Pharmacy. Go to Engineering. All my courses are so messed up that I probably can't specialize into anything for another 3 years. I was thinking of going to Chemistry or Biochem and then applying. It pissed  off me when she said, " You better get into Pharmacy and don't say that you couldn't get in because you didn't studied enough." Well I hope that you go to hell. You should have just left me alone to begin with instead of stressing me out. Why did you think I broke down four times during my midterms because of you ok ? 

Ah Geez

Today I attempted to study with Mina and Jen and it suceeded somewhat. Jen decided not to come to the review session with me for O Chem so I went on my merry way to it. There I ran into Cathy and Navpreet and then Sasha and then William.

I sat there for an hour and a half copying everything on the board and now I don't feel so good about the exam. Especially, retrosynthesis. 

Sasha offered me a ride home. I noticed that lately I've been getting a lot of rides. The only time I remember taking the train/bus is when I went to work from a review session and when I had those two exams. I slipped a lot on the ice because of my stupid UGGs and I even fell down the trail to Sasha's car. Emily Murphy Park looks like one of those stereotypical teen make-out sites. Sasha drove William off first and then took me to my house. Before I got out, 

I asked him, "Do you like me?" 

"What kind of question is that?"

"It's a question. It's not rhetorical."

"Well it is, I mean I have been spending a lot of time with you." 

I confessed that I like him too, ever since we we're studying for that lab final. How I felt bad that I was still with Gavin when I realized it. That what I was feeling was like an old high school crush. And since my relationship with Gavin was so long and the break-up was so recent I didn't want him to be a rebound boyfriend. During the whole time,  I was leaning away from him as much as possible because I was afraid that he'll kiss me or something. IT WAS SO DARN AWKWARD!!

And I left the car and chilled on my computer chair.

Grandpa

Today I had two exams: Philosophy and Physics. Lots of writing and lots of thinking.

Linda broke the news to me after she picked me up from school. She told me how she was the only one there when he passed away and described how his heart gave out. It happened at 10am. Everyone waited to tell me because of how I reacted last week when I woke up to the news that he was in the hospital. Plus, I was already stressing out for Physics. 

Linda tried to explain to me why she waited to tell. I understand but she broke it down anyways in case I got angry. I would have been more angry if she told me right when it happened. I was hoping to see him today at least alive and breathing. I choose not to see him because I don't think I can take it. In the end, I'm glad that waited. 

I'm pretty calm right now and I believe that I'll be ok for the next week or so. God be with me.

I Feel So Lost

Yesterday, I woke up to news that my Grandpa is in the hospital. I find it really upsetting since I haven't seen him since before I left for Montréal. He's so frail it was extremely hard not to cry. Today he's a bit better but he still weaker than what he was before. They have to keep a close eye on him because he might get another heart attack.

I have so much on mind right now I feel exhausted with it all. I want to get my exams done and chill for once. I talked to Sasha a bit on msn and he cheered me up a little bit. Apparently, he never heard of Marble Slab so I'm taking him there after the O Chem final. So yeah ... still sorting out stuff. Another boyfriend seems such a good idea right now but it might do more harm than good. 

je suis désolé mais je dois briser votre coeur

I did it. I broke his heart and now I'm waiting to see what happens next.

Guilt Trip

I think I'm crushing on Sasha. I haven't felt like this since Pitre and it's strange because I feel like a very young me who's all giggles and smiles when she thinks about him. I get that bright smile when I think about Sasha but then I remember I have a situation to deal with and that brings me down. I'm a horrible person. I need to respect Gavin and myself. I don't even know if Sasha likes me back or even wants to date ... or even wait for me. Besides it's too soon to jump into a new relationship.

I told Gavin that we need to talk and that I want to do it in person. I have felt such absoluteness in my decision and it seems to waver as Gavin began telling me his deteriorating situation. First, his insomnia and then his depression. Next, he stayed up all night to get a hold of Alex because he thought she had really hurt herself. After work today, I ask how he's feeling. He told me that he's "depressed [been] talking to Alex was sleeping on and off all day with tons of thoughts and emotions running through [him]." I asked if he wanted to talk to me about it but he said he's ok. Then: "I hate life ... My mom said she is giving me 3 weeks to go to school or get a better job or things are changing meaning she will kick me out I assume ... but if she does she won't see me again." Even his mom is fed up that he doesn't do anything with his life. 

See how I feel trapped? But I can't let that stop me I need to do what is best for me. My heart is twisting and pulling. I feel such remorse for the outcomes of my decision and it they haven't happened yet. I hate life too ...

BFFIP

I am so conflicted that it shows in my face? I find that if something really bothers me it does. Long noticed how I wasn't in the normal cheery mood and he asked what is up with me. So, I told him how Gavin has some sort of insomnia and that he's feeling "severely depressed". I also spilled of how I currently feel about Gavin. Surprisingly, he understood how I felt and even sympathizes. He said I shouldn't be in that kind relationship because of how unhealthy it is and how much it's affecting me. He wants me to go back to my happy self. It's not fair for me to be in an asymmetrical relationship or that's how he puts it. The more and more I talked to Long the more and more I wanted to break up with Gavin. I wanted to cry because of the reality of it.

Gavin, I still want to be your best friend and I want to be there when you need help. I'll still love and support you. It's not that I want someone that's better than you ... I just think that our relationship isn't working and that we both shouldn't suffer because of it. If you someone that's just right for you I'll be happy. I want you to be happy. I just don't think it's me. Am I being too selfish?

The Pain

At times, I couldn't walk. I had to lean against the bar. It happened so fast I wanted to cry. It was embarrassing so I didn't say much about it. Stupid stupid. I found the exam brutal, especially the 'HNMR and the IR. Everything else was peachy-ok.

Mina and Jen are right. Gavin isn't very promising in terms of the future. Something's not right he seems a bit distant right now. I don't know if he feels it too. I am frightened of how it'll end. BOY, I sound so fucking pessimistic. 

I need to stop flirting so much and stop telling people about my life. Grrr but William and Sasha are cool with it. I don't know but I shouldn't spill so much. I sort of like Sasha and so I'm going to beat myself for that. I'm still with Gavin and I already plan to stay single for a while if we do break up. I also need to stop dating that Tall White Guy and give other types of guys a chance. Save the drama and such.

Trapped

I was explaining to Emily that I feel trapped in my relationship with Gavin. I want us to be in each others' lives for a long while however I feel that insecurity grow. I explained that I can't help it because I was raised to believe to have certain requirements of a relationship. I feel so doubtful about my future and even more with Gavin. I did put an expiration date on our relationship and I feel like this is something that I won't talk myself out of. I want Gavin to be dependable and move on with his life. 

In the meantime, there's really no "other" guy. I made new guy friends but I'm afraid of anything going on between if I'm ever interested in them. I think it's disrespectful if I was especially since I'm still in a relationship. Out of respect, I will try not to date for at least 6 months if we do break up. There's no easy way to let him down and I fear that he won't deal with it well. I feel to responsible with his life. I saved it but I don't want to be the one who ended it. This is another reason I feel trapped. 

Am I going crazy? I feel like shutting him out. I don't want him inside me. I just want a blanket that covers and protects me. 

Whenever I'm upset I ask him to call me. He will not because sometimes he's with friends and don't want to be rude to them. Fair enough. But all it does to me is remind the times when I needed Mike and he wouldn't talk to me ... I feel abandoned. I'm sure Adrian or Pitre have done this to me to some extent but Mike is the prominent one since it was through texts, much like Gavin. I hate how things repeat themselves. Gavin will not like that I just compared him to Mike. 

Trouble Maker (Drama Lover?)

I don't understand why Mike still is part of my life ... even if it is a distant practically intangible way. I want him out of my life and out of those close to me. 

Mike, I think you should just let it go. I know that you like to start up shit but don't drag me into it. Whatever happened between is nothing but faded memories. I have been rejecting them because I don't want to remember how stupid I was or how desperate I was to be with you. And for the record, it was never about money. I wanted to be with you because I genuinely liked you and I thought I could comfort you during the hard times. 

For all the things you have said and done, I don't think I can ever be friends with you. I don't hate you but I don't love you either. I'll remain civil because I'm not the one looking for trouble. 

You're Not Here

I feel distraught. I don't know what to feel or how to deal with it. The thing is I feel really alone or I feel that I'm going to lose Gavin. He no longer sees me at the University. He no longer picks me up from work to keep me company. He doesn't even take the bus with me home whenever I'm at his house. I know it's because he doesn't buy bus passes anymore since the only use he'll need it for is to see me, which is not much since I got back from Montréal. I even told him that I'll be seeing him less this semester so that I can concentrate on school. 

But I am so tired of having to come out of my way to see him. I know he's not the romantic type but he's sweet and caring. How hard it is for a girl to ask that she wants her boyfriend to do the same for her? I don't want to go to him but rather I want him to come to me. I don't know if I should be mad or desperately upset. I don't want to be alone. I feel like I'm there for him when I can but it's not the same the other way around. Even phone calls are troublesome for him. Practically every time I want him to call me his phone is dead and he rather not call. I feel so much less important when that happens like I don't matter all because a phone is dead. Why not charge the battery everyday like normal people ???? 

I feel so fragile and that I could break. I need some pretty strong glue here if I do fall apart ... 

I guess basically what I'm saying is that I don't feel that he's putting much effort into this relationship. I feel more like a burden than someone who is needed and cherished. I feel like I'm trying so hard and he just doesn't takes it especially when it's about life. Get moving! I don't want to wait forever for you but I'm willing to stick around to see if I can because a part of me wants to keep holding on. There is so much in my heart I want to pour out. I feel paranoid, numb, and maybe crazy. I don't feel like you're sensitive to my feelings and all their subtleties as you did before because I feel like I have so much more to hold in.

REPO MAN!!

I really want to watch Repo! The Genetic Opera. I have a thing for musicals and such but this one is much more incredible. The plot, the characters, the music are all totally awesome. I'm even excited to see Paris Hilton in it because she does an incredible job from what I see in the trailers. I also want to watch Twilight too but not on opening night. I'm afraid of the hordes of annoying fans. Of course I'll be critical of the movie but it's an interpretation of the movie. 

There are so many movies I want to watch. Here's a list:

- I'm Not There

- Funny Games

- 4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days

- Zack and Miri Make a Porno

So it's a blend of drama, thriller and comedy. Sweet. In the meantime, I have to study like mad because I need to prepare myself for my exams coming in December. It sucks cause now I can't do much social-wise since there is so much material to cover. Well, better to do it now. At least I got music to pull me through. I've been listening to the following lately:

- Tegan and Sara

- Repo! The Genetic Opera Soundtrack

- Coeur de pirate

Eye Appointment

I went to see the Optometrist and I think he's my favorite doctor. He's so funny and talkative. Plus, he reminds me of Danny especially his nose HAHA. The contact lenses are unbelievably soft. No more pain when I put them in or take them out. And, apparently, I do have astigmitism. Dang it.

Halloween

The beer was finished so headed over to Cameron's friend's house. Before we entered the house, both Cameron and Harrison intended to leave with a one-night stand. I was little miffed because they're being guys  who just want to get laid. I didn't say anything since I'm already in a relationship. Cameron and Harrison got drunk pretty fast. Harrison needs to work on his communication skills and talk less about himself. 

At some point, Harrison puked. Nadine ( Cam's sister), Brittany, Emily and Brian came over. Brittany is Harrison's ex-girlfriend so I felt that maybe her presence is a little uncomfortable. I didn't want to pry so I didn't ask. Cameron fell asleep but woke up to use the washroom. He sat back on the couch and I was watching him while being all comfy with Gavin. Then, it happened. Cameron began to throw up. It was really a quiet kind of vomiting because it just sort of flowed out of his mouth. I jumped for the paper towels and got him to the bathroom. I noticed a few tears but maybe it was from the gag reflex. Harrison is still asleep. A bunch of us helped cleaned up and we let Nadine know what happened. Both guys are currently sleeping in the basement as I type this. 

I was talking to Gavin about something that I had noticed. I feel like Cameron, Harrison, and David all held such great importance into getting laid. They're all not the most handsomest guys but they all have heart. I felt such great sympathy that they have a deluded sense of what they want which is to be close to someone or feel close enough. Gavin understood how they are because he wanted to be with someone too or maybe just to get laid. He has me now and he told me that he waited for me for so long because, as soon as he appreciated my companionship, he didn't want to force anything on me in fear of driving of me away. 

I told him that I was falling for him again. I want it to be forever. I asked if he's seriously looking for better career-jobs. He said, yeah. I love you, Gavin. The first time I said it I didn't want it to be the forever kind because I'm afraid that it'll be short-lived. Now, I do want it to be forever but I'm scared of what the future holds. We still have kinks to work out still. I don't want to delude myself and overlook our problems.