Trapped

I was explaining to Emily that I feel trapped in my relationship with Gavin. I want us to be in each others' lives for a long while however I feel that insecurity grow. I explained that I can't help it because I was raised to believe to have certain requirements of a relationship. I feel so doubtful about my future and even more with Gavin. I did put an expiration date on our relationship and I feel like this is something that I won't talk myself out of. I want Gavin to be dependable and move on with his life. 

In the meantime, there's really no "other" guy. I made new guy friends but I'm afraid of anything going on between if I'm ever interested in them. I think it's disrespectful if I was especially since I'm still in a relationship. Out of respect, I will try not to date for at least 6 months if we do break up. There's no easy way to let him down and I fear that he won't deal with it well. I feel to responsible with his life. I saved it but I don't want to be the one who ended it. This is another reason I feel trapped. 

Am I going crazy? I feel like shutting him out. I don't want him inside me. I just want a blanket that covers and protects me. 

Whenever I'm upset I ask him to call me. He will not because sometimes he's with friends and don't want to be rude to them. Fair enough. But all it does to me is remind the times when I needed Mike and he wouldn't talk to me ... I feel abandoned. I'm sure Adrian or Pitre have done this to me to some extent but Mike is the prominent one since it was through texts, much like Gavin. I hate how things repeat themselves. Gavin will not like that I just compared him to Mike.