Guilt Trip

I think I'm crushing on Sasha. I haven't felt like this since Pitre and it's strange because I feel like a very young me who's all giggles and smiles when she thinks about him. I get that bright smile when I think about Sasha but then I remember I have a situation to deal with and that brings me down. I'm a horrible person. I need to respect Gavin and myself. I don't even know if Sasha likes me back or even wants to date ... or even wait for me. Besides it's too soon to jump into a new relationship.

I told Gavin that we need to talk and that I want to do it in person. I have felt such absoluteness in my decision and it seems to waver as Gavin began telling me his deteriorating situation. First, his insomnia and then his depression. Next, he stayed up all night to get a hold of Alex because he thought she had really hurt herself. After work today, I ask how he's feeling. He told me that he's "depressed [been] talking to Alex was sleeping on and off all day with tons of thoughts and emotions running through [him]." I asked if he wanted to talk to me about it but he said he's ok. Then: "I hate life ... My mom said she is giving me 3 weeks to go to school or get a better job or things are changing meaning she will kick me out I assume ... but if she does she won't see me again." Even his mom is fed up that he doesn't do anything with his life. 

See how I feel trapped? But I can't let that stop me I need to do what is best for me. My heart is twisting and pulling. I feel such remorse for the outcomes of my decision and it they haven't happened yet. I hate life too ...